


Counting the Days

by BornToFly02



Series: Alec's Numbers [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Depressed Alec Lightwood, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Hurt Alec, M/M, Protective Isabelle Lightwood, Protective Jace Wayland, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Supportive Jace Wayland, Supportive Maryse Lightwood, self-destructive behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24049468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BornToFly02/pseuds/BornToFly02
Summary: Alec Lightwood has struggled with depression for most of his life. He would train harder than most others his age, determined to be the best, and as Isabelle says "heavy is the head that wears the crown".In the training room of the Institute (and Alec's room, and Jace's, and Izzy's) there was a big white board that always had a number. No one asked about it, at least not around the Lightwood family, but the important people knew.(I rated teen and up due to self-harm so read at your own risk, don't read if talk of depression and similar themes are triggering)
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Alec Lightwood & Maryse Lightwood, Clary Fray & Jace Wayland
Series: Alec's Numbers [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737313
Comments: 5
Kudos: 307





	Counting the Days

Jace was the first one to notice. He had only been living there for about a week and still hadn't quite adjusted. If it wasn't for that, he never would've found his future parabatai shooting arrows at various targets in the training room to the point where his hands were bleeding in the middle of the night.

"Alec! What are you doing?!"

The blond ripped the bow out of the other boy's hands and tossed it aside in favour of inspecting Alec's hands, forcing himself to ignore the red liquid clinging to the drawstring.

"Jace, I-"

"You're gonna need an iratze."

"No!" Alec cried, pulling away. "I'm fine."

"Well obviously not! You're hurting yourself."

This froze the other boy in his tracks. After a moment, Alec offered his hands to be healed by the blonde.

Jace nodded to himself after he had applied the healing rune.

"Good. Now we should both head to bed, we have training early tomorrow."

The two boys parted ways in the hallway outside their rooms but while Jace quickly fell asleep, Alec stayed up for a couple more hours, pinching his arms to feel the sting. Better able to handle physical pain than the dark thoughts that assaulted his mind.

The next to notice was Maryse.

Contrary to some people's beliefs, she cared deeply for her children. She knew that they put a lot of pressure on their eldest so as he got older and the expectations placed upon him became greater, she tried her best to keep an eye on him. Shadowhunter children were not coddled by any means but that didn't mean there were no safety measures put in place.

She had just arrived back from a meeting in Idris and found Alec in the training room, whaling on a punching bag. With his bare hands.

"Alec!" She cried, rushing forward to grab onto the boy, pulling him away from the equipment that was smeared with red. "Why were you doing that."

Alec had been taught how to properly wrap his hands (and the importance of doing so) years before. The twelve year old looked at his mother with pain-filled eyes, trying to hold back tears.

"I don't... I need it. I can't..." His voice cracked as he struggled to explain it to his mother. But how could he explain the crushing weight on his chest, let alone that he didn't think he liked girls?

"Shhh, it's okay." 

"It's not!" he cried, tears starting to fall. "What's wrong with me, Mom?"

"Oh honey, nothing is wrong with you. I need you to promise me something though."

Meeting her son's trusting gaze, she laid out a sort of deal.

"Whenever you feel like this, instead of coming to train, come talk to me. Or find someone to be around. Read a book, go for a walk, anything but hurting yourself. I know it will be hard and you won't always be able to do it but I want you to try. Can you do that for me?"

Alec looked at his mother with wide eyes but nodded, prompting her to smile and pull her son into a rare hug. The next day, Maryse put a whiteboard in Alec's room with a number 1 on it. Every day that Alec wrapped his hands and used his archery gloves, the number went up. It worked fairly well, an incentive for Alec to do better. Every once in a while he would relapse and the number would go back down to 0 but his stubborn nature meant he just tried harder.

It was during one of his relapses that Isabelle finally found out.

He had never wanted her to worry about him so he'd always been careful to keep it from her, but during a relapse he often lost track of what was happening around him. He had gone for his arrows but decided that if he couldn't stop himself from acting on his craving for pain, at least he could limit it. He had set up the punching bag and without even considering using tape, threw the first punch. The sting brought instant relief and he quickly continued.

He usually made sure he at least waited to break until his sister was on patrol but in his haste to feel pain, he'd forgotten to check.

"Alec? Alec what are you doing?!"

Stopping, Alec whipped around and instinctively hid his hands behind his back as his little sister stood horrified in the doorway, as though the damage wasn't already done. Tears filled her dark eyes as she approached her older brother. Her protector. He was the one who was always stoic and strong, the strongest of them all. Now she wondered how much of it was a lie.

Her eyes were drawn to the bloody punching bag behind Alec and couldn't stop a sob from escaping her throat even as she covered her mouth. Alec's own eyes filled with tears as he looked down at the mats covering the floor.

"I-" he stopped to clear his throat before trying again. "I'm sorry Izzy. I'm so, so sorry. Could-? Could you go get Jace?"

"Ale-"

"Please, Izzy."

He sounded so defeated, his voice so raw. It wasn't right, hearing those words in that tone from the oldest of their little trio. With a sharp nod, Isabelle practically ran from the room. In her search for Jace she drew a few strange looks from the Shadowhunters on the night shift but was largely ignored. She found the blond boy in the music room, playing piano.

"Jace! Come on, we've gotta go."

"What is it?"

"It's Alec, in the training room."

Understanding filled the boy's face and he sighed, rising to lead the way back to their brother. Alec had seated himself on one of the benches and was staring blankly at his torn, bloody knuckles. Jace approached him slowly and sat beside him.

"Hey, Alec. Rough day?"

After a moment he got a nod.

"Are you going to let me heal your hands? Or do you want to wait a bit."

Alec pulled his injured hands closer to his body and Jace sighed, draping an arm around his parabatai.

"Okay, but we're gonna have to change the number."

"I was doing so well. At least I thought I was."

"You still are. You sent Izzy to find me. Thank you for not hiding it."

Isabelle didn't know how to feel as she watched her brothers interact. She followed them back to Alec's room where Jace moved to the whiteboard. Erasing the previous number of "136", a "0" took its place.

After Alec had fallen asleep, Jace took the time to explain things to Izzy. Hearing what her eldest brother was going through, but it helped to know that there were people there for him. The next day, instead of leaving the institute to go clothes shopping or clubbing, Isabelle went and purchased three more whiteboards. One for her room, one for Jace's room, and a large one for in the training room itself. When Alec saw it, he gave a tearful smile and a strong hug. When Maryse next returned from (yet another) meeting, she made it clear that she was proud of her daughter.

* * *

Clary Fray gazed at everything with wide-eyed curiosity as she was shown around the institute. When they reached the training room she was amazed at the fighting skills that were being displayed but her attention was caught by the large whiteboard hanging on the wall amidst the targets set up for archery and knife throwing. The number "293" was written in a big font.

"What's that for? What does 293 mean?"

While Jace had been answering all her questions with no hesitation, that was one question he didn't.

"Either you'll find out at some point or you won't." He said simply before they moved on.

There was something about this girl, something strange and new and exciting, but he would never betray his parabatai.


End file.
